Kageroza IZ A BANANA
by MorganBanner
Summary: My very first thought when I saw Kageroza was "OMG HE'S A BANANA".  Am I the only one who sees the ridiculous colour scheme?  Also includes three one-shot things about Kenpachi, Yahciru, and Unohana.  T for language.
1. Kageroza IZ A BANANA

Me: Okay, I seriously cannot look at Kageroza without thinking about Bananas. How can someone take a villain seriously if he dresses..._like that? _But I am very disappointed that Kageroza isn't even an character option on the site...I'll just list it as Kenpachi and Yachiru, since they're the next two characters.

Legolas: You wanted to use a stronger word.

Me: Yes, yes I did, but I do enough swearing in this fic that I should avoid doing so here.

Legolas: That's lovely. Can I go home now?

Me: No.

Legolas: Can I least have my bow?

Me: So you can shoot me? Hell no.

Legolas: I thought you said you weren't going to swear.

Me: Whoops~ Anyway, enjoy the fic! Like "Orihime in Hueco Mundia", this is a bunch of random words that wouldn't leave me alone until I posted them. Legolas...?

Legolas: *sighs* Embee does not own anything here. Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, Harry Potter Belongs to J. K. Rowling, and Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to...who, again?

Me: Dunno. I'm too lazy to look it up. But I think you guys know anyway that I don't own anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Kageroza:<strong> Hello, worthless readers. I am Kageroza the Banana…no, wait…not a banana…why'd I say that…? I am Kageroza…_not a banana…_a f*cked-up version of Aizen.

**Ichigo:** OH GOD NO AM I GOING TO HAVE TO PULL OUT SOME AWESOME-ASS SECRET TECHNIQUE TO DEFEAT YOU THAT WILL LEAD TO MY ULTIMATE DEMISE BUT SOMEHOW ALSO RESULT IN ME NEVER ACTUALLY LOSING ANYTHING?

**Kageroza:** …that was oddly…specific.

**Naruto:** *appears* Believe it! *disappears*

**Ichigo/Kageroza:** …

**Kageroza:** …anyway, I am here to dispel a certain myth that claims I am a banana. Other than my cool-ass looks and fashion sense, I am smarter than your average ape, as seen by my awesome-ass plan to take over the Soul Society…AND THEN THE WORLD!

**Embee:** Like that isn't _totally cliché._ At least Aizen (all-knowing bastard that he was) had a special twist by deciding to take out the Spirit King…who's actual importance I'm still pondering…considering _most the freaking world both living and dead don't even know about his existence_.

**Ichigo:** *is ignoring strange voice from the sky* Dude…how is that even possible? I mean…really? You take a _tiny_ piece of reiatsu from numerous taicho and fukutaicho…and somehow manage to make a _total_ copy of the original, complete with all their memories, and with even _more_ of their already stupidly high level of reiatsu? That's not even freaking possible!

**Edward Elric:** *appears* According to the rules of Alchemy, Physics, and Whataburger, you can only –blah-blah-INSERT FAMOUS PERSON'S NAME HERE-blah-SOMETHING ABOUT EQUAL EXCHANGESblah-blah-something scientificity-…

**Kageroza:** GTFO. Since when has Bleach ever followed the rules for anything?

**Edward Elric:** True… *disappears*

**Ichigo:** Like that wasn't random. And besides, if Kurotsuchi's even half the lame-ass scientist he claims to be…_wouldn't he have noticed someone was messing around with the Precipice World?_

**Kurotsuchi Mayuri:** *appears* TAKE THIS BIATCH! *slaps Ichigo and randomly disappears*

**Ichigo:** WTF? What the hell's wrong with this fic? Why do random people keep popping up?

**Kageroza:** It's a common thing with Embee. Ignore it. ANYWAY…

**Ichigo:** Oh, and another thing…WHY THE HELL DOES NO ONE NOTICED THE TOTALLY WEIRD, NEVER-SEEN-ON-ANY-CHARACTER'S-PERSON-BEFORE BRACELET THINGS THAT SEEM TO APPEAR ONLY WHEN THE SCRIPT-WRITER-PEOPLE-THINGS-DUDES REMEMBERED THEM?

**Random-Script-Writer:** *appears* I'd like to see _you_ try to keep all this stuff straight in your head! It's not like I'm _paid_ to do that already anyway!

**Ichigo:** GTFO.

**RSW:** *sobs and disappears*

**Kageroza:** OI! I'M THE ONE RUNNING THIS SHOW HERE!

**Embee:** *appears* No, I am…._banana._

**Kageroza:** STFU! I AM NOT A BANANA!

**Ichigo:** Then what's with the green-and-yellow colour scheme? Is that _seriously_ all the producers could think of?

**Embee:** I know, even red-and-green would have been better…although I'd end up thinking he was Santa's evil twin or something…

**Ichigo:** And what's with the outdated, totally stalker-worthy banana-coloured outfit? Even Aizen, with his Shinigami-rip-off-Espada-uniform wouldn't wear that. _And a cane? Really?_ Who are you, Yama-jii?

**Embee:** Even bananas have dreams…

**Kageroza:** *is sobbing* It's not my fault I had an abusive childhood! I was forced to live in a cupboard under the stairs, and my only living family comprised of my aunt, uncle, and fat cousin who tried to squelch my destiny out of me, only to be forced to send me to the school for freaks like me, where I was the object of total worship, but soon became the image of insanity, until I defeated the prime evil of the world once and for all and then finally lived happily ever after until I died…where I became…A BANANA!

**Ichigo:** He finally admits it.

**Embee:** …you totally just ripped that story off from Harry Potter.

**Harry Potter:** *appears* DON'T STEAL MY AWESOMENESS YOU BIATCH! *slaps Ichigo and disappears*

**Ichigo: **WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND SLAPPING ME!

**Kageroza/Embee:** *slaps Ichigo*

**Ichigo:** WTF?

**Kageroza:** …anyway…PSYCH! THAT WASN'T MY LIFE STORY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET YOU TO PITY ME! WAHAHAHA! I WILL NEVER ADMIT I WAS A BANANA!

**Ichigo:** …we never believed you in the first place… *is ignored by Banana*

**Embee:** ADMIT IT OR I WILL DISGUISE YOU AS HIDAN AND THROW YOU TO ASUMA'S FANGIRLS!

**Asuma's Fangirls:** *is frothing at the mouth* GIVE. US. HIDAN!111!1!11ONE#$#$1!1!

**Ichigo:** *turns pale* That's…that's…I wouldn't wish that on _Aizen_.

**Embee:** Too late! Aizen's already been through _that_…but being the cockroach-bastard he is…

**Aizen:** *appears* I SURVIVED! NOW RUN, MY SAD, SAD RIP-OFF VILLAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A BANANA, RUN LIKE HELL IS AFTER YOU! BECAUSE WHAT _SHE_ WILL DO TO YOU IS A HELL OF A LOT WORSE! *disappears*

**Ichigo/Embee:** WTF?

**Banana:** ALRIGHT I ADMIT IT! I…I…I AM A BANANA! *dies*

**Embee:** Finally. You may go now, blood-thirsty horde of fangirls. Hidan ran that way.

**Blood-Thirsty-Horde-of-Asuma-Fangirls:** *is still frothing at the mouth and runs to chase Hidan*

**Ichigo:** o.0

* * *

><p>Me: And up next are three one-shot things that are equally random but still are vaguely related to this! I won't hold it against you if you think this is totally stupid and decided to not even bother to read the next three.<p>

Legolas: ...then why are you tearing up?

Me: *sobs* I'm not!


	2. Teh Two Kenpachis

It was a dark, dark day for the Soul Society. Rain was falling, making it even darker. (Seriously, WTF? I don't remember any other instance where there's _any_ sort of weather in Soul Society…so this is kind of random…)

The reason?

The Twinkies were gone. Aizen stole them. He had sent his banana-underling, Kageroza, to steal them, and throw Soul Society into chaos by making clones of everyone. (Not that it's really that hard to throw Soul Society into chaos. Just give Yachiru some candy.)

And yes, that meant there was a clone of Zaraki Kenpachi. They were alike in every way.

We are doomed.

**Kenpachi 1:** Dude, what's with the stupid lookin' face? We're _supposed_ to look like an insane, blood-thirsty maniac.

**Kenpachi 2:** I think _you're_ the one with the stupid-looking face.

**Kenpachi 1:** OH YEAH?

**Kenpachi 2:** HELL YEAH.

*both rip their eye patches off*

**Kenpachi 1's Eye Patch:** I NEVER SAW PARIS!

**Kenpachi 2's Eye Patch:** DON'T TAKE YOUR FREAKING EYEBALL OUT TOO!

**Kenpachi 2's Eyeball:** I NEVER SAW GREENLAND!

*thus begins a battle of epic proportions, destroying half of the Seireitei in a few seconds*

**Kenpachi 1:** *is dying* Hey, you know what would make this even more fun?

**Kenpachi 2:** *is missing an eye* What?

**Kenpachi 1:** Fighting Ichigo.

**Kenpachi 2:** HELL YEAH. LET'S GO KILL HIM.

*they leave to go kill Ichigo*

**Kageroza:** WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!#$#4351! GET BACK HERE AND KILL EACH OTHER!

_In the World of the Living…_

**Ichigo:** *twitches*

**Renji:** Dude, why're you twitching?

**Ichigo:** I just suddenly had a horrible feeling that two impossibly strong, insane, blood-thirsty monsters that would make even Chuck Norris shit his pants are coming to kill me.

**Renji:** HAHAHAHA LOSER! SUCKS TO BE YOU!

**Ichigo:** *glares*

**Renji:** Wait..what are you doing with that bucket of orange paint?

_Later…_

**Teh Two Kenpachis:** ICHIGO WE FOUND YOU! WE KEEL YOU!

**Renji With Orange Hair:** I'M NOT ICHIGO! OMFG SAVE ME

**Ichigo:** Heh heh…he's getting skewered…


	3. Teh Two Yachirus

He was warned. Kageroza was _warned_ not to make a clone of Yachiru, but he didn't listen.

Kageroza now knows why there can only be _one_ Yachiru.

**Kageroza:** AAHAHAHA! AND WITH THIS, I WILL RULE THE WHOLE FREAKING UNIVERSE! ARISE, MY LOWLY SERVANT!

**Yachiru 2:** *sits up*

**Kageroza:** It's…ALIIIIIIIVE!

**Yachiru 2:** I can haz candy?

**Kageroza:** WTF? Why the hell would I give you _candy_? You're supposed to go out and kill all the Shinigami?

**Yachiru 2:** No…candy?

**Kageroza:** No freaking way.

**Yachiru 2:** BANKAI!

**Kageroza: **NO WAIT I TAKE IT BACK I'LL GIVE YOU CANDY, JUST…SHIIIIIII—

**ERROR: Kageroza has been decimated by Kusajishi Yachiru's Bankai. URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED! URGENT ASSISTANCES NEEDED IMMEDIATELY.**

**Yachiru 2:** Heh heh…I didn't know a person's legs could come out of their chest like that…k byez.

*Yachiru skips away*

**Yachiru 1:** OMFG IT'S ANOTHER ME

**Yachiru 2:** OMFG IT'S ANOTHER ME

*thus begins the ultimate staring contest*

**Yachiru 1:** I'm bored. Wanna have some candy? I have a huge stash under Bya-chan's house.

**Yachiru 2:** HELL YEAH!

*they run off to get candy*

**Teh Two Yachirus:** *are vibrating* 

*Thus the other half of the Seireitei is destroyed as teh two Yachirus are unleashed. Kageroza now knows the universe can only handle one Yachiru at a time.*


	4. Teh Two Unohanas

There is only one thing worse than having two Kenpachis…or even two Yachirus…

TWO UNOHANAS.

And Kageroza the Banana is about to find out why.

**Kageroza:** Kukukuku…Unohana-taicho, it does not matter that you discovered my incredibly pointless plot that will only end in failure because this is YET ANOTHER DAMN FILLER ARC, you—

**Unohana 1:** *smiles* That will be enough, Kageroza-san.

**Kageroza:** o.0 *backs away slowly*

**Unohana 2:** *smiles* Why don't we discuss this civilly and avoid barbaric bloodshed, Me-san?

**Unohana 1:** *smiles* That sounds lovely, Me-san.

**Unohana 2:** *smiles*

**Unohana 1:** *smiles*

**Kageroza:** …this seems more barbaric…

**Kotetsu Isane:** OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED YOU WORTHLESS SON OF A BANANA?

**Kageroza:** Dunno. Imma leave now. *disappears*

**Kotetsu Isane:** OH GOD DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE WITH THEM *disappears*

**Teh Two Unohanas:** *smile*

*unable to take the strain of being near two insanely powerful taicho…and because it's too freaking scary to be anywhere within 100 miles of them…the building disintegrates into ash*

And so, the rest of the Universe blinked out of existence, simply to escape the epic battle between teh two Unohanas, which was even more monstrous than the battle between Ichigo and teh two Kenpachis (as they found him anyway after destroying Renji)

And this is why you don't make clones of any of the taicho…or fukutaicho…ever.

LEST THE UNIVERSE BURN.

* * *

><p>Me: HEED THE WARNING WELL!<p>

Legolas: ...that was incredibly random and pointless. I found nothing of it

Me: You have the sense of humour of a witless duck.

Legolas: ...what?

Me: So I hope a few people got a kick out of this. If you read this far, you get a cookie!

Legolas: ...save me...


End file.
